Comfort
by Tigergirl1223
Summary: A deeper dive into Melendez and Lim's relationship as Lim battles PTSD. Counterpart story to Feelings. Chapters not necessarily connected. TRIGGER WARNING: THIS STORY WILL CONTAIN ELEMENTS OF POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone, **

**So I wanted to explain my motivations for writing this story a little bit. As we're currently seeing Melendez in a bad place on the show and Lim trying to comfort him, I wanted to explore that type of situation and connect it to one of my previous stories. **

Melendez arrived home from St. Bonaventure after a long day at work. He changed out of his work clothes and into casual attire before he drove over to Lim's house. Lim had been having a rough time with things lately: she had beaten a fatal respiratory virus, but as a result of the lethalness of the disease, she had spent a month and a half in the hospital and her lung function was still weak. Being a physician, Melendez knew how beating SARS would affect her physically in the long run: pulmonary fibrosis, a weakened immune system more susceptible to colds and flus, chronic fatigue, shortness of breath, and osteoporosis to name a few long-term side effects.

When Melendez arrived at Lim's house, he knocked on the door and waited a while before Lim answered. She looked like shit, but given the fact that she was still pretty weak, he wasn't surprised. She forced a smile and let Melendez into the house, "Hi Neil," she said softly.

"Hi Audrey," he went to kiss her, but Lim pulled away. Melendez would be lying if he didn't admit that it hurt a little bit.

"I, um…it's been a really long day and I'm just not really in the mood to cuddle," she admitted. Melendez nodded in understanding, but as he observed her more, he noticed things were different about her. Her eyes were reddened as if she had been crying; she had her arms crossed over her chest, almost like she was sending a message that she wanted to be closed off to the world. Melendez also noticed she was very tense compared to her usual relaxed demeanor, "Have you eaten dinner?" asked Lim.

Melendez shook his head, "No, I haven't. I was hoping, maybe, we could go out tonight," he laid his hands on her shoulders, to which Lim jumped a little.

"Out to eat?" she faked enthusiasm, "With all of those people? In the middle of January? Also known as cold and flu season?"

"Yes," Melendez confirmed, "Do you still feel too weak to go out?"

Lim rubbed her forearms with her hands, briefly glancing towards the inside of her right forearm; Melendez didn't fail to notice, "Neil, my immune system is still pretty fragile right now, and I'm really not supposed to be going outside without a mask. I'd like it better if we just stayed home. Please?" she looked him in the eyes with a look that gave away the fact that she was terrified to go outside.

"Okay," Melendez agreed. He walked over towards the kitchen and started to look through the cabinets and refrigerator, "Did you want me to make you something instead?"

"I'm not hungry, Neil," said Lim.

"Audrey, you need to eat. You've been living on hospital food since early December," Melendez said.

"I said I'm not fucking hungry, Neil!" Lim shouted and Melendez looked a little taken aback, "I mean…" Lim stuttered once she realized what she had done, "The meds make me nauseous sometimes."

Melendez nodded in understanding and stepped a little closer to her, "Is something bothering you, Audrey? You seem a little tense tonight."

"I'm fine, Neil," said Lim.

Melendez scowled a little. He had known Audrey for many years now and he knew she wasn't fine, "Audrey," Melendez lowered his register, "You know if something is bothering you, you can tell me, right?"

Lim's breath shook and she said, "Neil, I really don't want to talk about it. The quarantine is over, I lived, and I'm recovering. Can we please just move on from everything that happened?" Melendez could understand why Lim just wanted to move on from what happened; it had been a stressful event for everyone at St. Bonaventure and he couldn't imagine actually getting infected. He hesitated before he wrapped his arms around her, testing how she would react. He was relieved when she embraced him back, trembling a little in his arms as she inhaled his familiar and comforting scent, "Please stay with me tonight," she whispered softly.

"I'm not going anywhere," answered Melendez.

Later that night, Melendez changed into a spare pair of pajamas he had brought with him since he had had the feeling that Lim would want him to stay. She hated being alone at night anymore, even though she had been living on her own ever since her divorce. He crawled into bed next to her and Lim was sitting on the bed with her knees to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs. Melendez laid his hand on her shoulder to let her know he was there and she jumped in surprise. She sharply turned to him and shouted, "What the hell, Neil! You can't just go sneaking up on me like that!"

"I'm sorry. I thought you heard me come in," said Melendez. This was her second outburst of the night.

Lim sighed and ran her hands through her hair, "I'm…I'm sorry. I was just thinking about…"she trailed off and started to hyperventilate a little.

"You were thinking about what, Audrey?" asked Melendez gently. Lim didn't hear his question; she had her own horror movie playing in her head, "Audrey!" Melendez called her name a little louder.

Lim snapped back into reality, "What?"

"Are you okay?" asked Melendez in concern.

Lim wasn't quite sure how to answer, but she knew that Melendez would ask her to talk about what she had been thinking about and she didn't want to relive the experience more than she already was, "Y-Yeah. I'm fine," she crawled under the covers, set the oxygen concentrator to the correct setting, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, "Good night, Neil."

"Good night, Audrey," said Melendez. Though he had the feeling they weren't going to get much sleep that night.

Melendez had been correct in his assumption as he was woken up by Lim's screaming at 3:00 in the morning. Melendez immediately bolted upright in bed and wrapped his arms around a sobbing Lim, "It's okay, Audrey. Ssh," he soothed.

"Oh, Neil, it was all happening to me again," she cried.

"What was happening to you?" asked Melendez calmly.

"The…the…I was sick again. Everyone was there. All of the patients that died, Morgan, Shaun…I couldn't breathe. The patients were taunting at me for living," Lim stuttered frantically.

"Audrey, it was a dream…" Melendez started to say.

"It was a pretty fucking vivid dream, Neil!" Lim raised her voice again, "And it wasn't a dream! It was a fucking nightmare!"

Melendez had no idea what to say or how to soothe her at this point. He had never seen Audrey like this before. She was always so calm and in control and now…hell, he didn't know what to think. But he was aware enough to know that Lim didn't need any soothing words right now; she just needed to feel his presence. He scooted closer to her and said, "Audrey, I'm going to hold you okay?"

Lim didn't respond at first, but soon allowed herself to be enveloped in his embrace, because right now, the only place she felt safe was in her boyfriend's arms.


	2. Chapter 2

**For those of you who haven't read ****_Feelings_****, this chapter is in connection with chapter 12. **

Melendez hadn't been in his office for more than five minutes when he heard a knock on the door, "Come in," he called. He glanced up from his paperwork to see who it was and found Claire standing in front of his desk, "Dr. Browne," he greeted politely.

"Dr. Melendez," she answered back, "May I talk to you about something? It's important."

Melendez assumed she was concerned about a patient, so he gestured towards the chair in front of his desk and Claire took a seat across from him. He leaned forward and asked, "Do you have a concern with one of our patients?"

"Yes…no…" Claire stuttered, "It's about Dr. Lim."

Melendez was surprised to hear that. Lim had come back to work part-time a few weeks ago for the first time since getting sick; she had seemed to be doing well enough, "What happened?"

"Well," Claire began as she rubbed her hands together nervously. She knew how much Melendez cared about Lim and she knew her news was going to upset him, "Dr. Cooperberg called in sick today and Andrews assigned her to the ER to cover for Cooperberg," Melendez nodded, indicating for the young resident to continue, "Dr. Melendez, Dr. Lim had a panic attack," Claire blurted out. Melendez's eyebrows shot up, thoroughly surprised by Claire's admission, "I know she'll probably be mad at me for telling you, but you were her doctor when she was in the hospital and you both have been friends for years…"

"Claire," Melendez interrupted her, using her first name to better gain her attention, "What happened?"

Claire sighed, "I don't know; it all happened so fast. Dr. Lim came into the ER saying that Andrews had assigned her since Dr. Cooperberg called in sick. We were treating a patient with a bad cough, she sent the patient up to radiology, she left the triage room, and she just suddenly stopped and stood in the middle of the emergency room. Morgan tried to get her attention, but she just collapsed to the ground, sweating, hyperventilating, shaking, and completely detached from her surroundings. We helped her use her inhaler and we put her on oxygen, but we have no idea what caused it. All she was saying was 'please don't let me die' and 'I'm sorry, I didn't know I would live' over and over again. Once she came back to reality, she was completely unaware of what had just happened other than she swore she was going crazy and felt like she was dying. Dr. Andrews was talking to her when I left the room. I don't know what happened after that."

Melendez absorbed the information and nodded at Claire, "Thank you for letting me know, Dr. Browne."

Claire stood to leave and Melendez scrubbed his hands over his face, _"A panic attack?" _he thought to himself, _"Audrey is always in her element in the emergency room. No way would she have a panic attack in there." _But then again, Melendez had noticed Lim had been avoiding working the emergency room for the past few weeks. She had gone from being excited to cover the department right before Christmas to practically bursting into tears at the very mention of it. He wanted to be able to talk to Lim about it, but every time he even tried to bring up the quarantine, Lim would either snap at him, avoid talking about it, or ignore him completely, almost as if she was lost in her own thoughts. But a panic attack wasn't something to ignore. It just wasn't like Audrey to panic.

The conversation didn't go well that evening. Claire had been correct in her assumption that Lim would be mad at her for telling him and then she went on to blame Andrews for assigning her to the ER in the first place. She briefly admitted that she had relived the whole day of the quarantine in that brief time period, but dropped the subject as fast as she had brought it up. She asked him to stay the night and Melendez agreed.

They ended up going out for burgers, and Lim admitted she enjoyed her double-double cheeseburger from In-n-Out, but something was still very off about her. She was very tense, she used about five sanitizing wipes on the chairs, table, and her hands, and she jumped about six feet when their names had been called. Melendez didn't say anything; he didn't know how to respond. But he did know that Lim was vastly different.

Later that night, as they were getting ready for bed, Melendez came into Lim's bedroom and noticed her skimming through some comic book. He climbed into bed next to her and, remembering how jumpy she could be when startled, said, "I'm in bed with you, Audrey."

Lim closed the comic book and laid it on her nightstand. She didn't say anything at first, but when she finally spoke, she said, "Earlier today, in the ER, I remembered everything. It was like I was reliving that whole day. Vividly," a tear rolled down her cheek, "I thought it was actually happening. I was completely unaware of my surroundings. My heart was pouding in my chest, I was sweating, I felt hot like I was running a fever, I could barely breathe. I was so dizzy I felt like I was going to pass out and I swore I was going to die. I didn't even know that Morgan and Claire were in the room with me, let alone other patients," she glanced over at Melendez, but he didn't say anything. He had a look of hurt and concern in his eyes, so she continued, "I keep having this nightmare where the mystery man and Marianne and Tyler all keep taunting me. I'm lying on that gurney, alone in isolation. No one is around other than their spirits or whatever. And Morgan. Morgan is there too. She's taunting me and telling me that I didn't deserve to live because I couldn't save Tyler. That it's all my fault that he died because I wouldn't allow her to do cardiac massage, that I was self-centered and only thinking about myself because I was infected. And then she tells me that I don't deserve you because I should be alone the same way she is. I normally wake up screaming when I hear the flat line. It makes me not want to sleep because I'm afraid it'll happen again."

Melendez's heart broke for Lim. He had no idea her dreams had been that distressing lately. He let her know he was going to hug her and kiss her temple before he said, "No matter what anyone in a dream tells you, I'm not going anywhere."


	3. Chapter 3

Melendez arrived home from work and Lim was in the living room watching some trashy reality show. She had a half-consumed bottle of beer on the coffee table in front of her. Melendez noticed she had been drinking more lately as a way to numb the pain of her experiences. It had been a few days since Audrey had gone to see Dr. Bradley to discuss possible PTSD and she still hadn't made an appointment with the therapist her primary care provider had recommended. Melendez grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator before going to join Lim on the couch. He didn't say anything or attempt to touch her; he had learned at this point to let her be the one to speak first. After several more moments of silence, Lim finally muted the TV, took a deep breath, and asked, "How was work?"

"It was alright," Melendez answered, "How was your day?" he asked hesitantly.

Lim took a few moments to compose her thoughts before she responded, "Barely holding on," she admitted quietly.

Melendez scooted closer to her and tried to take her hand, to which Lim quickly yanked it away. Melendez asked, "Did you set up an appointment with the counselor Dr. Bradley recommended to you?"

Lim swallowed and shook her head, "No," she whispered.

"Why not?" asked Melendez.

"Because I don't need a therapist! I want to forget everything that happened to me, not talk to some stranger about it!" quipped Lim as she took a swig of her beer.

Melendez grabbed the bottle once Lim put it down again, much to her dismay, "How many beers have you had today?"

"Just that one," defended Lim.

"Okay, how many drinks have you had today?" Melendez made the question more specific.

Lim didn't want to answer at first, "Two glasses of bourbon at Crowley's and the one beer," she admitted. Melendez nodded, but didn't say anything more. He handed her the water and raised his eyebrows at her. She finally relented and took the bottle from him, but he could tell she wasn't pleased and that she wanted the beer back, "Water doesn't make me forget the quarantine," she muttered under her breath.

"Neither will alcohol," said Melendez.

"I don't know; it was doing a pretty good job until you took it away from me," she said snippily.

Melendez went to the kitchen and dumped what was left of the beer down the drain. He recycled the bottle and went back into the living room. He knew Lim was adamantly against therapy for some reason, but he wasn't quite sure why. For all he knew, it could be because she didn't believe the doctor about the possibility of having PTSD, "May I hold your hand?" Melendez asked.

Lim shrugged, "You're my boyfriend; boyfriends often hold their girlfriends' hands," Melendez took that answer as permission, so he slowly took her right hand in his left and rubbed soothing circles on top of it. Lim was quiet for so long that Melendez was startled when she finally spoke again, "I can't possibly have PTSD. I'm not allowed," Melendez looked over at her and both sets of brown eyes locked, one set with worry and the other with compassion, "I can't go to therapy, Neil. Therapy is for people who can afford to be viewed as weak."

Melendez continued to rub Lim's hand with his thumb and said, "Audrey, seeking treatment doesn't make you weak. A sign of strength is admitting you can't always handle things alone and allowing people to help you through it."

"Easy for you to say. You're a man," she said. She slowly turned to face Melendez and said, "Neil, think about it. Imagine what you would feel if everyone knew you were seeing a shrink. Would you want Andrews and Glassman to know you couldn't handle something on your own?"

Melendez did have to admit, he would probably also be hesitant to seek treatment if he was in Lim's position, "No," he admitted.

Lim turned her body again and went back to staring straight ahead of her, "I grew up in a culture that emphasized family, hard work, and honoring elders. Every mistake, every shortcoming…it always reflected poorly on and brought shame to your entire family. We were supposed to have self-control. I rarely showed emotion and I still believe that if I express my feelings, then I'm a burden. I'm supposed to solve problems myself and just move forward in life. Successful people didn't publically admit weakness. If you did, it brought shame to your family. There was always an underlying fear and stigmatization of mental illness," Lim took a sip of water to keep down the bile coming up her throat, "If Andrews hadn't retained the title for himself, I could have been St. Bonaventure's first female Chief of Surgery. I'm the only woman amongst the trauma surgeons. I'm the only woman who routinely covers the emergency room. I've had men attempting to undermine my career for years," her breath shook, "I've spent so long working hard to get to where I am. To be a woman of color achieving at the level that I am? I worked my ass off to prove I was capable enough to be a trauma surgeon. And I didn't do that by displaying public insecurity. I did that by burying my fears and every single emotion I've ever had in life. If I admit that something's wrong with me, that I'm 'traumatized' from the quarantine, then everything I worked so hard to achieve will just fall apart. I'll be seen as too unstable to cover the ER. I'll be viewed as too emotional to be a trauma surgeon. I mean, I've seen horrific injuries. I've witnessed people die five minutes after they've arrived at the emergency room. I should be used to it by now, right? And it's not like I died from the virus. I thought I was going to all the times I couldn't catch my breath or my oxygen levels plummeted or when they thought my organs were going to shut down but I didn't. I lived. Sure, my lung function went to shit and I'll be taking medication for eternity. I'll probably always be getting sick every winter now and it could turn into something that could kill me, but who cares? I lived. And I should be damn grateful to the universe or whatever Higher Power if one exists for letting me live. I'll get over it eventually if I just continue to not discuss it. Because that's how I'm supposed to deal with this, right? I've been rambling too long," Lim blurted out.

Melendez took a deep breath, absorbing each and every one of Lim's words. He moved his hand from her hand to her shoulder and they faced each other, "Can I say a few things?" she nodded and he began, "I can't say I know your experiences. I'm not a woman, I didn't grow up in the same culture, I'm not a trauma surgeon, and I didn't survive a fatal respiratory illness. I do know that I miss my best friend. I miss joking around with her, I miss laughing with her, I missing being intimate with her, and I just miss her. Terribly."

They looked at each other again and Melendez held out his arms, silently asking for permission to hold Lim. She nodded her consent and melted into his arms, "What if it doesn't work, Neil? What if I never get better? And how will telling all of my worst thoughts and fears and insecurities to a complete and total stranger help me?"

"Well, you know how the way you heal from a physical injury is to push yourself sometimes, even when it hurts?" asked Melendez and Lim nodded. Melendez didn't say anything more, but he said everything Lim needed to know through his silence. He glanced over towards the coffee table, where several medical books were open to the chapters on mental illnesses. There were some pamphlets about Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, including its common treatments, and a piece of paper with some writing on it: the name, Dr. Linda Jacobson, along with a phone number, "Listen Audrey, I can't tell you what to do, but do you think that you're weak because you're going to pulmonary rehab sessions?"

Lim sniffled and said, "No."

"And do you sometimes get out of breath when you're doing the exercises?"

"Yes," Lim admitted.

Melendez squeezed her hand once more and stood, "I'm going to go get ready for bed," he leaned over and kissed the top of her head before heading upstairs.

Lim watched Melendez retreat to the upper level before she glanced back down at the coffee table. She picked up the piece of paper with the name and phone number. She knew it would be too late to call right now, but she placed it by her phone before she headed upstairs for the night.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry this is a shorter chapter but it's been busy with the Thanksgiving holiday. **

It was 2:00 in the morning when Melendez heard noise coming from the living area. He rolled over in bed and found that Lim wasn't lying next to him, so Melendez got up to go investigate where she was. She wasn't in the bathroom or the kitchen when he reached the downstairs level. He finally found her in the TV room watching some sort of late night infomercial. She had a blanket wrapped around her and was sipping something out of a mug, but he didn't know what beverage. He quietly sat down next to her, but didn't say anything. Tomorrow was Lim's first appointment with the therapist and he figured she probably had 1,000 thoughts running through her mind. He finally asked, "Is there a reason you're watching infomercials at two in the morning?"

Lim was silent at first, but finally whispered, "Because I couldn't sleep, so I figured it was just as easy to come down here instead of disturbing yours," she admitted softly. She set the mug down on the coffee table and asked, "Did you want me to make you something? It's hot chocolate."

"No, I'm good," he admitted. He hesitated before he asked, "Was it another bad dream or are you worried about tomorrow?"

Lim wrapped herself tighter in the blanket before she answered, "Both," she said honestly. She knew that Neil would be able to tell if she was lying, "I'd like to have one night where I don't either wake up in the middle of it or if I do, I can fall back asleep again."

"Well," Melendez gently took her hand, "Hopefully the therapy will help with that."

"But what if it doesn't, Neil?" asked Lim softly, "What if I'm like this for the rest of my life? I'll become the crabby-old crazy cat lady that the neighbor kids hate who dies old and alone."

"You won't be alone. Because I'll be right here by your side every step of the way," said Melendez.

Lim looked at their entwined hands and took a shaky breath, "But what if the therapy doesn't work, Neil? What if I'm never the same again? Will you still want to be with me?" she finally looked him in the eyes, the picture of anguish in hers.

"Audrey, there's nothing that could happen that would make me want to be with you any less," Melendez comforted, stroking her cheek.

Lim took another sip of her hot chocolate and finally allowed Melendez to wrap his arms around her, "It's not that I don't want to feel things. I just can't. I feel numb and apathetic towards everything. You have all of these feelings towards me and I try so hard to reciprocate, but I can't."

Melendez continued to rub her back, "I know," he commented soothingly.

"What if I'm never able to work again because I'm petrified of going into the ER? What if I'm confined to my house because I can't build up the courage to face to world? I panic every time someone coughs. I can't even think about that day without shutting down and bursting into tears. I just want to feel like myself again and I don't know how," she confessed. Melendez didn't honestly know what to say, but thankfully, Lim vented some more, "I'm scared about what's going to happen tomorrow."

"I know you are," Melendez acknowledged.

"What if I embarrass myself tomorrow? What if I have a panic attack right there in the office?" asked Lim worriedly.

"Well, that's why the counselor is there. To teach you how to stay calm and not panic," said Melendez, "Did you need me to go with you tomorrow?"

Lim sighed, but shook her head. She sat up and said, "No, I…I trust you, but I'm not ready to talk about that day with you yet. I'm sorry."

"It's alright," he hugged her.

"I feel so guilty for not even being able to tell my own boyfriend what happened that day," she said and snuggled against his chest, "Especially because I'm keeping everything from you and you're my boyfriend."

"And you'll tell me when you're ready," Melendez said soothingly. He pulled back to look at her face to face and stroked her cheek lovingly, "But right now, you just need time to process what happened," Lim sighed and gave Melendez a small smile, "Do you feel like you can go to bed or do you just want to stay here?"

Lim lied back down in Melendez's lap and said, "Right now, just hold me."


	5. Chapter 5

Lim had been seeing her therapist, Dr. Jacobson, for a few weeks now, though Lim didn't feel like she had made much progress. Both Melendez and Lim were currently in the sitting room of the counseling center waiting for Lim to be called back. Last week had been the first week Lim had given both Melendez and Dr. Jacobson any details about the quarantine, but she had almost had a panic attack about halfway through her confession, so they had had to stop, "Audrey Lim?" Dr. Jacobson called. Lim looked at Melendez and swallowed thickly before they stood hand in hand. They followed Dr. Jacobson to her office and sat down on the sofa. Dr. Jacobson quietly closed the door and sat down in the chair across from them, "It's nice to see you again, Audrey, Neil," she greeted them and they nodded politely, "Have you been listening to the recording of our last session?"

Lim nodded, "A few times, but…I haven't been able to get through it other than one time."

"Well, one time is better than zero," said Dr. Jacobson sympathetically, "And you've been practicing the breathing techniques I've taught you?"

"We both have," confirmed Melendez.

"Well, today, we'll be going over the trauma again, but we'll be analyzing certain aspects of the day. Okay?" asked Dr. Jacobson softly. Lim hesitated, but nodded in agreement, "Okay, I want you to close your eyes and describe everything that happened on that day. How did the day start out?"

"I woke up in Neil's bed and we agreed it shouldn't happen again," said Lim.

"And then you went to work," said Dr. Jacobson, looking over her notes, "How did you feel when you arrived?"

Lim's breath shook as she composed her thoughts, "Fine, I guess. I love a good adrenaline rush and I used to like working the ER. Back when it was safe."

"And now you think it's unsafe because you got sick?" asked Dr. Jacobson for confirmation. Lim held back a few tears and nodded, "Okay, the two patients arrived from the airport. What did you do and how did you feel?"

"My residents and I treated them. One was in full respiratory failure, the other one we treated and tested for a number of conditions. It could have been anything, so I felt focused to find out."

"And when your one resident suggested it could be an airborne virus, how did you feel?" Dr. Jacobson continued gently.

"A little nervous for everyone in the ER, but it was my job to remain calm and focused, so I contacted the hospital president when the third patient came down with symptoms," Lim described, "Then we got approval to quarantine everyone."

"Okay, were you scared at this point?" inquired Dr. Jacobson.

Lim shook her head, "Well, a little, but I was following protocol, wearing my protective gear. I thought I would be fine, so I continued to treat patients."

"Okay, and then as you were treating your patient, you discovered you were infected, is that correct?" Lim began to hyperventilate, but nodded. Melendez grabbed her hand and squeezed it. She had forgotten he was there, so it made her jump a little, but her breathing became in sync with his as he took some deep breaths beside her, "Okay, I want you to switch to present tense and describe everything around you."

Lim stayed silent before she quietly said, "I'm outside of the isolation room and Morgan and I are taking off our masks and gloves," said Lim, giving Morgan's name for the first time and using 'Morgan' instead of 'Dr. Reznick', "I remove my right glove and there's a rash on my arm."

"And how do you feel?" asked Dr. Jacobson.

"I'm afraid I'm going to die," Lim said, with tears beginning to pour down her cheeks, "I won't have been able to say goodbye to my family. I won't have been able to tell Neil how I really feel about him. And I'm terrified how it's going to feel when I die. But I'm still in charge and I have to save as many people as I can before I die."

"Okay, so you isolate yourself. What happens now?" urged Dr. Jacobson.

Lim took another deep breath and continued, "My patient asks if we're closer to figuring out what it is and I answer no. Then he flat lines and Morgan and I try to save him. In the back of my mind, I know I'm next. But Morgan is still my resident, and it's still my job to guide her as long as I can. But she doesn't appreciate it. She tells me so in my dreams."

At this point, Melendez was holding back tears of his own. He had no idea that Audrey was suffering this badly. He would do absolutely anything to take her emotional pain away, but he couldn't, "It's okay, Audrey. I'm right here," Melendez whispered soothingly.

"Okay, and what do you remember right before you fainted?" asked Dr. Jacobson.

"Um…" Lim stuttered, as her mind was in panic mode at this point. Melendez laid a hand on her shoulder and rubbed it gently, trying to keep her grounded, "I sent Shaun out…I don't know why. Morgan was performing an emergency surgery. I can't even remember what it was, but somehow, I was guiding her. My mind was on the dead bodies behind me. My chest hurt, I was coughing a lot, I felt really hot, I was sweating, my head hurt, and I felt really weak. I don't know how I was standing up. I thought that the moment right before I passed out when everything was really foggy that this is it. I'll be dead in a few minutes. All I wanted…" Lim sharply opened her eyes and turned to Melendez, "I just wanted you to come in and hold me. But I felt it would be selfish and make me look weak if I admitted that I was scared and I wanted someone close to me to hold me while I died."

At this point, Lim was crying, so Melendez wrapped his arms around her tightly, and rubbed her back, "It's okay, Audrey," he said, "I'm right here."

Later that evening, Lim decided to stay at Melendez's place, so they were waiting for dinner to finish cooking. Melendez walked over to the couch and laid his hand on Lim's knee, "I think that's the most you've ever told me about that day since it happened."

"Yeah, well, that's what this whole therapy thing is supposed to be about, isn't it?" she asked softly, "But I feel like it's not helping. I still can't think about it without bursting into tears and I want to spend most of my days in bed or away from people," she coughed a little, a residual side effect of the illness.

"Come here," he scooted closer to her to see if she would accept his embrace, and this time, she did. He kissed the top of her head and said, "You're getting there, slowly but surely. It's a marathon, not a sprint. You have to pace yourself. Today, you were able to talk about the whole day with me in the room. Next week, maybe you'll panic less. But I can see you slowly getting better even if you don't realize it."

Lim stayed silent for a while as she rubbed Melendez's hand, "Neil?" she finally asked.

"Hmm?"

"I'd really like to try to be intimate again soon," she said bluntly.

Melendez nodded. They had had sex only once, and even then, between the PTSD and Lim's damaged lungs, it hadn't been that great. Ever since that night, she had been pushing him away in that regards. Melendez squeezed her hand and said, "Whenever you're ready, we'll try again."

Lim bit her lip and nodded in agreement before she laid her head back down on Melendez's chest, rubbing her fingers over where his elk tattoo would be exposed if he was shirtless, "But right now, feeling your presence is nice enough for me."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: The latter portion of this chapter was inspired by the conversation between Morgan and Glassman in 3x08 Moonshot. **

It was dinnertime and Melendez and Lim were setting the table with the chicken picatta and lemon noodles that Melendez had made for dinner (Lim did have to admit that she loved having a boyfriend who could cook). They both sat down and began to eat when Melendez asked, "So how was your day?"

Lim finished her bite of chicken and swallowed, avoiding answering the question for as long as possible, "Alright," she answered quietly.

"Do anything interesting?" asked Melendez.

Lim nodded and responded, "I went for a walk in the park today."

"And?" Melendez urged further.

Lim smiled softly, "It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was nice spending some time in fresh air and nature."

"Good," Melendez said satisfied and went back to his meal, "So you have another appointment with Dr. Jacobson tomorrow, correct?"

"Mmhm," she nodded and took a sip of water.

"Need me to go with you?" he asked sincerely.

She set the glass down and shook her head, "Um, no. I want to go by myself tomorrow and process a few things on my own."

"Okay," Melendez acknowledged. He could see Lim was getting better, albeit slowly. She was able to talk more and more about that day with him, there were some—but not all—nights where she could get some restful sleep, and she wasn't as noticeably irritable. After they finished their food, they cleared off the table and began to wash the dishes side by side in comfortable silence. Melendez was pondering on bringing up a certain topic about Lim's recovery, but he didn't know how she would react. There were still times where what he thought was an innocent question or statement would cause her to have a bad reaction. He decided to approach the subject with caution, "Hey Audrey?" she looked over at him, indicating that she was listening, "You notice a difference in your symptoms, right?"

"Some, yes," she stated, running some hot water over her dinner plate.

"I was wondering…if you were ready to tell other people about…you know?" Melendez stuttered.

Lim set her plate down in the sink and turned her full body towards Melendez, "Let me guess? You think it's time I stop hiding about the fact that I'm traumatized from the quarantine."

"Well, I wouldn't put it that way…" Melendez began, though Lim wasn't listening.

"You would just love that wouldn't you?" she wiped her hands on a dish rag and threw it onto the counter, "That way when Andrews makes his final decision about Chief of Surgery, he won't even consider the crazy surgeon and it'll be all yours!"

"Audrey, I'm not saying that at all," Melendez followed her into the living area and gently laid his hands on her shoulders. He guided her in taking some deep breaths and said, "And if Andrews did offer me the position and I discovered that was the reason, I would turn it down in a heartbeat. That kind of attitude doesn't belong at St. Bonaventure."

"You had it with Murphy. Why not me?" asked Lim.

"Well, it was wrong of me to treat Murphy like that. And it would be wrong for people at work to treat you in that manner," said Melendez.

Lim sighed and scrubbed her hand over her face, "I just can't do it right now, Neil. It gives me too much anxiety: the idea of telling Andrews or any of our colleagues and residents. I'm just too afraid everyone will view me differently. It was bad enough that Reznick and Browne saw me have a panic attack." She sat down on the couch.

Melendez sat next to her and rubbed her back. He could understand why Lim was so afraid. Andrews was a pompous ass and was less than thrilled to say the least about hiring Shaun. Even Melendez hated to admit how much of a dick he had been to Shaun when he first started at St. Bonaventure. Then Melendez got an idea. There was one person connected to St. Bonaventure who believed in everyone, no matter their ability or disability, "What about Glassman?" Melendez asked gently.

Lim sniffled and looked over at him, "Glassman?" she questioned in confusion.

"What about telling Dr. Glassman first?" explained Melendez, "Listen, Audrey, I know this can't be easy for you…"

"Damn right it's not easy," uttered Lim.

"Which is why it might be best to talk to someone who's known you for years, who is distant from St. Bonaventure right now, who's had hardships of his own," said Melendez.

Lim sighed, "I can't do that right now, Neil. I mean, you're right, it's not a bad idea, but Glassman is going through his own treatment right now. I can't just waltz in and dump all of my problems onto him."

"I've known Glassman just as long as you have Audrey; I don't think he'll see it that way," Melendez patted her shoulder.

Glassman heard a knock at the door and hesitantly stood to go and answer it. He was surprised, but pleased, to see Lim on the other side, "Dr. Lim, it's nice to see you."

"I know I should have called first, but I didn't know how to explain what I want to say. May we talk about something sir?" she asked.

"Of course," he moved aside and let Lim into the room.

"How has your treatment been going sir?" asked Lim.

"Well, the nausea, the fatigue, the ulcers…you know all of the side effects of chemo," said Glassman, "Help yourself to a drink from the fridge. I have more stuff than I'm able to consume," Lim went to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water before sitting down next to Glassman on the sofa, "Now what did you want to talk about Dr. Lim?"

Lim's breath shook as she composed her thoughts, "It's about the quarantine, sir," she said quietly, "You know some of what went on that day, correct?"

Glassman nodded, "Yes, I was in the waiting room with Lea waiting for Shaun."

"Who's Lea?" asked Lim in confusion.

"Shaun's roommate," Glassman answered and Lim nodded in understanding, "I also know you were infected and you spent a long time in the hospital," Lim nodded in confirmation and Glassman asked, "Is your recovery going well?"

"Yes. No. I mean…" Lim took a deep breath. She swallowed nervously, but Melendez was right; she needed to tell somebody. She didn't look at Glassman, but decided to stare straight ahead as she said, "After I was released from the hospital, I started having recurring flashbacks and nightmares, I had trouble sleeping, I couldn't concentrate on anything, I was irritable with everyone, and I avoided anything that reminded me of the quarantine. I tried going back to work, but I had a flashback in the middle of the emergency room. Neil wants me to tell people at work, but I can't because…"

"You don't want Marcus or your colleagues and residents to find out you have PTSD," Glassman finished.

"How did you know?" asked Lim, sitting up straighter and looking Glassman in the eyes.

"I'm no psychiatrist, Audrey, but I do know that flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia, irritability, and avoiding potential triggers are some of the hallmark symptoms of PTSD," he weakly stood and went to get a glass of water before returning, "Have you been seeking treatment?"

Lim nodded, "Yes, I've been seeing a therapist my doctor recommended to me."

"And has it been helping?"

"Somewhat. Neil goes with me sometimes and we do couples counseling," Glassman chuckled and shook his head before taking a sip of water, "It's not funny sir," she scolded a little.

"No, it's not your treatment. It's what you said about you and Dr. Melendez going to couples counseling. Are you both…?"

Lim sighed, but smiled and nodded, "Yes."

"Well it's about time you and Neil got your shit together," said Glassman. Lim furrowed her brow at him and he said, "Audrey, I've known you for eleven years now. You've liked Dr. Melendez for at least ten of those eleven years."

"I had a husband," she reminded him.

"I know. But after your divorce, I told Neil to go get the girl and he went for the wrong one," Glassman laughed to himself.

"Okay, enough about my relationship. Let's get back to why I came here," said Lim.

"Well, why did you come here?" asked Glassman.

"Because, Neil thinks I should tell people at work about my PTSD and I needed to practice revealing it to someone. Someone who understands what I'm going through," she admitted, "Look, sir, I know I don't have brain cancer and you don't have PTSD, but surely you were afraid to let people know about your diagnosis?"

Glassman didn't respond at first, but soon said, "I'm a damn good surgeon and if I wasn't a surgeon, I didn't know who I was going to be at first."

"Exactly," said Lim, "I sucked at being a wife, I'm no longer a daughter really…if I'm not a trauma surgeon, I don't know who I am. I guess…I just want one person to tell me it'll be okay. For someone to believe I can be a good trauma surgeon who happens to have PTSD. You believed in Murphy when no one else did, including Neil. I need you to believe in me too."

"Dr. Lim," said Glassman, "You are one of the greatest surgeons I've had the privilege of training at St. Bonaventure. You're smart, you're kind, you're compassionate, and you always advocate what's best for your patients. It's what makes you a damn good surgeon and it will be what makes you a damn good girlfriend to Dr. Melendez," Lim smiled and Glassman continued, "However, you also need to let people at the hospital know in case something serious happens. You have an official diagnosis, correct?"

"Yes," answered Lim softly.

"Then you have legal rights when you tell Dr. Andrews," said Glassman, "You are so much more than PTSD, Audrey. You are wonderful as you are."

"Thank you sir. I really needed to hear that right now," acknowledged Lim.

Glassman stood and showed her to the door, "Well, I'm sure you don't want to spend all day with your former boss, so I'll let you go."

Lim pulled her car keys out of her bag and went to leave when she turned back to Glassman and said, "Thank you, sir, for believing in me."

Glassman answered, "It's my job, Dr. Lim."


	7. Chapter 7

**TW: This chapter briefly mentions miscarriage. **

Lim was alone at this particular appointment with Dr. Jacobson. She didn't want Melendez at this visit because she still wasn't 100% comfortable with revealing everything just yet. Not until she explored her feelings more.

"You've been quiet for a few minutes, Audrey," said Dr. Jacobson quietly.

"Hmm," Lim brought herself back to reality.

"Did you have another flashback?" asked Dr. Jacobson gently.

"Yes…no…" Lim stuttered, "I'm sorry, what was the question?"

"I asked you what you think might be the meaning behind some of your nightmares?"

"I don't know. Isn't that what you're supposed to tell me?" asked Lim curtly.

"Well, you mentioned one of your residents is in them," Dr. Jacobson looked over her notes.

"Err, yes," Lim confirmed.

"She was one of them quarantined with you, correct?" asked Dr. Jacobson. Lim nodded and Dr. Jacobson continued, "Neil mentioned you arrested and they revived you."

Of course, Lim didn't have any recollection of the event, but she nodded and said in a shaky voice, "Yes, that's what Neil told me. Of course, I don't remember it."

"Well, what do you remember?"

Lim swallowed and said, "I remember…" she trailed off, "I remember Murphy running around and giving me all sorts of treatments. I remember briefly seeing Neil on the other side of the ER doors before I fell asleep. When I woke up I had a tube down my throat, Murphy wasn't there, Reznick wasn't there, Neil wasn't there. No one was there. I was all alone."

"But Neil visited you when you were in isolation, correct?" questioned Dr. Jacobson.

"Yes, but he had to wear a decontamination suit, so we might as well have been separated," answered Lim.

"Well, I do have another question for you and I need you to answer me honestly, Audrey," Lim agreed and Dr. Jacobson asked, "Even though you have others in your life, do you still feel alone?"

Lim didn't want to answer right away, but soon nodded, "Yes," she responded softly, "Because I don't really think I deserve Neil, so I just push him away."

"What makes you think you don't deserve him?"

Lim tried to keep calm as she said, "My one resident was romantically interested in one of the patients who died. I couldn't save him because for one thing, there was nothing more we could do, but I was also starting to feel weaker, so I called it. And then Neil came down and knew exactly what to do to save me and Morgan didn't hesitate for a second to follow his orders and do whatever she needed to do. And now every time I see her, I don't have a flashback per se, but I'm just reminded of what I did and I feel so badly. And then, in some of the dreams I have, she's constantly taunting me about not saving our patient and that I don't deserve Neil. Sometimes the dream is Neil is sick and I try to save him and I can't and then she mocks me."

"Audrey, it sounds like you might be suffering from some survivor's guilt," Dr. Jacobson said.

"No," Lim shook her head adamantly, "I've lost patients before. I'm a trauma surgeon; it sadly comes with the job…"

"I know it does, but you've also never been sick or injured at work before now. And you admitted you feel bad when you see your resident or think about your other patients. Do you feel like there's something more you could have done to save them?"

Lim absorbed what the therapist had asked and nodded, "Yes. I wonder if I had done more to protect myself, then I wouldn't have gotten infected and I would have been able to do more. I sometimes think that maybe if I had thought of what Neil thought of or just tried a little harder, I could have saved them all. And now, it makes me wonder…am I even a good surgeon? I mean, I couldn't save three people and someone else had to save me. Maybe Morgan's right. Maybe I don't deserve Neil or my life."

"Audrey, that is not true," said Dr. Jacobson firmly, "Those thoughts you have are because of your condition, not you."

"But Dr. Jacobson, how can it not be my fault?" asked Lim defensively, "I was the one in charge, I was the one who was supposed to keep everyone safe, I was the one who was supposed to make sure everyone was protected, and I couldn't even protect myself, let alone those three patients. And I don't even know why I cared so much about getting to Neil. If I hadn't had too much to drink the night beforehand, I probably wouldn't even have slept with him and I wouldn't be in this cluster fuck of emotions. I might not have given a shit if I died if it hadn't been for the fact that Neil and I had sex for the first time. Or maybe I would have; I don't know. I don't know what to feel anymore. One minute I'm fine, then I'm angry, then I'm numb, and after that, I feel like I want to cry."

"Audrey," Dr. Jacobson gained the trauma surgeon's attention, "An aspect of PTSD can include feelings of guilt and shame, along with a lot of other emotions. But you mentioned something that stood out to me as particularly interesting. You mentioned that if you hadn't been together with Neil the night before the quarantine, then you wouldn't have cared if you had died."

"I mean…" Lim stuttered, trying her hardest to figure out a way to back pedal on her comment, "I mean, of course, I cared if I died. I had an important job to do."

"Audrey, it sounds like one of the reasons you've been feeling the way you have been is not just because of what you went through physically and mentally, but also that you care more about Neil than you realize or want to admit," Dr. Jacobson pointed out to her.

Lim buried her face in her hands and said, "God, I didn't mean for it to happen. I invited Neil out for drinks, but I didn't mean for it to turn into sex. Then I meant to keep that encounter as a one night stand, and then that stupid virus happened, and then I wanted to be with Neil more, which is stupid because I spent over ten years with a man who I ended up divorcing after the first major medical event in my life and now, I think that it's different this time. But I know, deep down, it's not, so I guess that's why I keep trying to push him away," Lim stopped her ranting.

"Well, have you told Neil about how you feel?"

Lim quietly shook her head, "No," she answered quietly, "I'm afraid if I try to talk him him about how I feel or what I went through, I'll just drive him away like I did my ex-husband. I mean, it's two completely different scenarios, but still, I don't want to bother him or anyone else for that matter."

"Audrey, one of the key components of a successful relationship is good communication. And if Neil truly cares about you, then he won't leave you no matter what you tell him," Lim sighed, knowing that Dr. Jacobson was right about Neil not leaving her if he truly cared about her, "You don't have to tell me if you feel uncomfortable, but do you honestly believe Neil would react that same way as your ex-husband if you went through the same medical event again?"

Lim swallowed, but shook her head, "No. I mean, I knew Neil when it happened, but I didn't want to tell him what really happened, so I lied to him. Told him I had the flu so badly that I had to be rushed to the emergency room for dehydration, when in fact, I was miscarrying my baby."

Dr. Jacobson stayed quiet for Lim to talk some more, but when Lim stayed silent, the therapist figured it was better to let the subject go for now, "And I'm also going to ask, have you told anyone else about your diagnosis? It's okay if you haven't."

"One other person," Lim admitted, "He was the Chief of Surgery and then the president of the hospital for many years, and he was my primary supervisor during my residency and all the way through my career so far."

"Well, maybe one of the things you can do to help with your recovery is to talk to Neil about how you feel and when you feel comfortable, to start to talk to others as well."

"I was afraid you'd say that," Lim said, even though she knew Dr. Jacobson was right.

Melendez heard a knock at the door later that evening and he went to answer it. He opened it and found Lim on the other side, "Hi," she smiled softly.

"Hi," he answered back.

"May I come in?" she asked.

"Of course," he stepped aside. Lim went into the room and sat down on the couch. Melendez followed her and sat down next to her. Lim snuggled into his arms and Melendez kissed her temple, "So how was your appointment?"

Lim was still afraid to talk to him in depth, but she knew she was going to be stuck in this rut if she didn't tell someone. And if she didn't trust Melendez, then their relationship was never going to work, "It was…interesting," she answered, "We talked more about that day. And Dr. Jacobson made me realize something today," Melendez didn't say anything, but nodded, indicating that he was sincerely listening, "The night I invited you out for drinks, I never meant for us to end up sleeping together. Then it happened, and you know that I tried to brush it off as a one night stand."

"I know," Melendez acknowledged.

Lim grabbed his hand and continued, "I realized if it hadn't been for our night together, I don't know if I would have cared as much about dying. I mean, I ride a motorcycle for crying out loud. I've never thought about death and dying before now. I think this whole virus made me realize how much I care about you. Which is why I'm afraid you'll leave me the first time you see me vulnerable like Kashal did," she whispered.

"Audrey," Melendez cupped her face, forcing her to look up at him, "I know opening up isn't easy for you, especially now. But, I promise you, I will never leave you. I know you might not believe me right now, but it's the truth."

Lim laid against Melendez's chest and said, "Dr. Jacobson also said it might be a good idea for me to tell people, and deep down, I know she's right, but I don't know how. What will everyone at work think of me?"

Melendez didn't say anything at first, because he didn't know how everyone at work would react to Lim's diagnosis. He didn't want to reassure her it would be okay and have it be the complete opposite or vice versa. Instead, he decided to tell her one of his favorite stories, "My second year in the program, there was this resident. She was kind of weird. She wore comic book t-shirts, always ate the exact same lunch. But she was smart. She would get surgeries and knock 'em out of the park over and over again. I couldn't stand her," Lim smiled to herself as she ran her hand up and down Melendez's chest, "Then one day I realized, I was competing against her, but she wasn't competing against me. She spent her time observing, asking questions, preparing herself to be a great surgeon," he looked down at Lim, "And she's the best surgeon I've ever worked with and I love her so damn much," he hesitantly said.

He waited for Lim to answer something, anything, but all he heard was quiet breathing. He looked down and saw that Lim had fallen asleep on his chest. She hadn't been sleeping all that well the past few nights, so it was a relief to find her getting some shut eye. He also didn't know if she was comfortable enough to answer him back, but he didn't mind right now. He was just grateful that he was slowly getting his girlfriend and best friend back. Melendez didn't want to disturb Lim's rest, so he pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and covered them with it, kissing the top of her head before dozing off himself.


	8. Chapter 8

Lim pulled into her usual spot in the employee parking area. She was nervous as hell to talk to everyone today, but she had discussed many things with Dr. Jacobson and decided it was time to reveal her diagnosis to her residents and then Andrews. She turned off the ignition, but didn't get out of the driver's seat. She gripped the steering wheel, doing her best not to throw up right there in the car. She would tell Shaun, Claire, Morgan, and Park first, followed by Andrews; he was the one she was most nervous telling about the PTSD given the fact that he was far from accepting of Shaun when he first started at St. Bonaventure. She finally grabbed her bag and went into the hospital; the first room she entered was the emergency room. Dr. Cooperberg and Dr. Cleland had altered between them with covering the ER in her absence and Cooperberg was currently too busy to notice her presence. A thousand thoughts began running through her head as she entered the once comforting but now completely terrifying territory. She took a few deep breaths the way Dr. Jacobson had taught her and thought of a happy memory before she made her way through the ER to Melendez's office. He glanced up when he heard noise and asked, "Dr. Lim, how may I help you today?"

Lim sighed and walked over to the couch in his office, "Just let me avoid this conversation for as long as possible."

Melendez frowned a little and closed the door that Lim had left open. He walked over to where she was sitting, sat down next to her, and took her hands in his, "Audrey," he said softly, looking into her eyes, "If you're not ready and you're going to have a panic attack because of this, then you shouldn't go through with it today."

"No, it's not that. I want to get this conversation over with," she admitted, "I just can't help but worry how everyone will react. I know Dr. Jacobson has said over and over again I can't control what others do or how they react, but I still can't help but worry. This is a big deal, Neil, and there's no guarantee that everyone will be as supportive as you and Dr. Glassman are."

"Well, there's only one way to find out. But no matter what happens today, I will always be with you, 100%," Melendez squeezed her hand and kissed her forehead.

Lim left his office and went to her own. She sent out a text to the residents that read, _"Please meet me at my office as soon as possible." _

Shaun was the first to arrive, followed by Park, then Claire, and Morgan was last, "Are we in trouble, Dr. Lim?" asked Shaun.

"No, Dr. Murphy; this discussion has nothing to do with any of you," Lim took a deep breath and said, "It's about me. Would you all please have a seat?" she gestured over towards the other side of her office.

Everyone sat down on the various couches and chairs before Lim joined them, sitting in between Claire and Morgan, "What's going on, Dr. Lim?" asked Claire.

Lim waited a few minutes to compose her thoughts before she said, "First of all, thank you all for coming on such short notice. Now, for why you're all here. I know the recent quarantine was stressful on all of us. Dr. Murphy, Dr. Reznick, I understand that you have your own feelings about what happened while you were stuck in the ER. Dr. Park, I can't even begin to imagine the worry you went through with your son," Lim looked up at him.

"Thankfully, he got out okay," said Park.

"Now, what I'm about to tell you all is not a poor me victim story and I'm not trying to garner sympathy from anyone. It's more of a for your information," they all nodded, intently looking at their superior, "Well, I'm sure you all know what I went through over the past few months. Two of you were there with me quarantined. Well, shortly after I was released from the hospital, I couldn't sleep, I started having a lot of nightmares and flashbacks as if that day was happening all over again, I was always getting angry at people, and I couldn't get the quarantine out of my head," Lim swallowed thickly and her voice shook a little as she said, "I was diagnosed with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder last month."

She stayed silent to let them all absorb the news, and they were shocked to say the least, "Have you…?" began Claire, "Have you been going to treatment?"

"Yes," Lim answered, "I've been doing weekly psychotherapy sessions for several weeks now. Sometimes twice a week if I really need it."

"Has it been helping?" asked Morgan quietly and compassionately, much more so than her usual snarky attitude.

"It seems to be, slowly but surely. But like all recoveries, it sometimes feels like it's one step forward, two steps back," admitted Lim.

"Is there anything you need us to do?" asked Claire.

"Not specifically, but one of my triggers is hard coughing, so if I seem to become disconnected from what you're saying, I need you to ask me questions about the day or week, have me describe my surroundings, other things to try to keep me grounded and pull me back to reality," Lim described.

"And if she seems to be having a flashback, don't touch her; it might make it worse," Park interjected. Lim looked at him confusingly and Park explained, "A friend of mine on the force back in Phoenix developed PTSD after he was shot on duty. I know every situation is different, but I saw what he went through."

They all stayed silent again and Lim was sure they were judging her, or at least that's what it felt like in her mind, "Have you been feeling any better from what happened?" Shaun finally asked.

He didn't look at her, but that wasn't unusual for him. Lim nodded slightly and said, "Some," she said softly, "But not great," she added honestly. The residents didn't say anything more, so Lim asked, "Do you have any other questions for me?" they were silent, so she added, "You can ask me anything; I don't mind answering. And I'd rather answer the questions than for you to have any preconceived notions or make assumptions about what I've been going through."

Melendez was on his way to check on a patient when he passed Lim's office. He noticed all of their residents and Lim were seated on the couch and chairs and it looked as if they had a lot of questions. He stopped to observe for a few minutes, but didn't stay to hear anything. Thankfully, it looked as if Lim was doing well with telling them what they wanted to know. Around lunchtime, Lim stopped by his office and they ate together. Melendez asked, "So how did they all take it?"

"They're all a little shocked, I could tell," answered Lim, "They had a lot of questions that I answered, but then they seemed satisfied with the responses. We'll see what happens in the future. But telling them was the easy part."

Melendez had to admit, he was a little nervous for Lim in regards to telling Andrews, "Audrey," he grabbed her hand, "Do you want me to go with you when you tell Andrews?"

"No," she snapped at him and shook her head adamantly, "I mean," she softened her tone a little, "Neil, it'll make me look worse if I have to have a security item there when I tell Andrews. I need to be alone when I tell him. It gives me more authority on my end."

"Alright," said Melendez, understanding her reasoning. Lim finished her lunch and stood nervously. Melendez stood with her and grabbed her hands, "Remember, no matter what happens, I am always here for you."

They hugged for a few moments and he kissed her temple before he left his office. Lim made her way to Andrews's office, a panic building up inside of her with each and every step. Finally she reached the door and read the name on the plaque just to be certain. _Dr. Marcus Andrews, President_.

She really didn't want to do this, but at the same time, she needed to do this in order to get the weight of everything off of her chest. She finally took a few deep breaths and knocked on the door. She finally heard Andrews answer, "Come in."


	9. Chapter 9

**Happy New Year everyone! Here's to a great 2020. **

Lim hesitantly opened the door to Andrews's office and Andrews looked up at her when she entered the room, "Dr. Lim, it's a pleasure to see you."

"Sir," Lim acknowledged him, "May we talk about something? It's important."

Andrews nodded his approval and Lim closed the door. She nervously sat down in the chair in front of Andrews's desk and rubbed her hands together, not knowing how to begin the conversation. Thankfully, Andrews spoke first, "How has your recovery been going?"

"Fine," Lim answered, "The rehab sessions are helping me. But my lungs aren't the reason I'm here, sir," she said, trying her best to speak in an audible decibel. Andrews didn't say anything, but instead, continued to give her an ice cold stare, which wasn't helping Lim's nerves, "Well…" she paused, doing her best to gain the courage to tell him, "After I was released from the hospital, I started feeling different. I would always be on edge, I was constantly looking for danger whenever I went out in public, I couldn't stand to be around people who were coughing, and I was having recurring nightmares about the quarantine. I thought I would get over whatever was bothering me about it on my own, so that's why I came back to work. But once I came back, I was terrified to cover the ER, so I just avoided it. And then, well, you know what happened when I was assigned there," she mentioned.

"Yes," said Andrews.

Lim stayed silent for a few more moments before she said, "Well, after that incident, I went to my primary care provider who referred me to a psychiatrist," Lim explained, _"Here goes nothing," _she thought, "My psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD."

Andrews was deathly silent and it made Lim quite uncomfortable. She didn't know whether he was judging her, empathizing with her, or something entirely different. Andrews finally broke the silence when he asked, "So your incident in the emergency room was connected to…?"

"Yes sir," Lim confirmed.

Andrews leaned forward onto his desk and asked, "I'm assuming you've been in treatment for your PTSD?"

"Yes sir," answered Lim and she nodded, "I've been going to counseling sessions once a week, sometimes twice a week if I really need it. I still have several sessions to go before it's over though."

Andrews took a deep breath and said, "What happened in the ER could endanger someone's life if it happens again in the ER or the OR."

"I know," Lim agreed, "I understand if you want to reassign me somewhere or even dismiss me."

"No, Dr. Lim, you're one of my best surgeons; I would never dismiss you for that reason," said Andrews, "If you feel the therapy is helping, then I trust your judgment. I'm just trying to figure out a way to have a safety plan in place in case you have another attack or symptoms at work without compromising your privacy."

"Well, I did tell my residents today sir," said Lim, "I answered every single question they had," Lim swallowed before she admitted, "Dr. Melendez has also been helping me get through treatment." Lim left it at that, as she didn't want to disclose her relationship with Melendez to Andrews yet.

Andrews hesitated and Lim could tell he was trying to find the appropriate response before he said, "Well, Dr. Melendez has always been a good friend to you."

Lim wasn't sure if Andrews had figured out that Melendez and she were dating, but she nodded and smiled softly, "Yes, he has," they were silent for a while longer before Lim asked, "Do you have any other questions for me sir?"

Andrews shook his head, "No. I have a meeting I have to attend shortly, so I'll arrange another time to meet with you to discuss any accommodations you may need when you feel ready to come back to work. You are dismissed," Lim was shocked that Andrews was being relatively reasonable with her admission. She stood and was just about to leave when Andrews called out to her, "Dr. Lim?"

Lim turned around to face him, "Sir?"

"Thank you for telling me about your diagnosis. I appreciate your courage to do so. I hope you feel better and can come back to work soon," Andrews said with some compassion in his voice.

Lim drove over to Melendez's place later that day when she knew he would be home. He answered the door and she immediately embraced him once she was in his living room. He didn't say anything, but he did kiss the top of her head and bury his nose into her long brown hair. Melendez finally asked, "So how are you feeling?"

Lim pulled back and looked into his eyes, "Honestly, it was nerve-wracking at first, but it felt good to get it off of my chest and tell other people."

"Good," Melendez squeezed her hands.

"Can we…?" Lim hesitated, "Can we talk about that day some more?"

"Of course," Melendez nodded and they went over to the couch.

Lim took a deep breath and said, "Andrews mentioned that we can talk about any accommodations I may need once I go back to work," Melendez nodded in understanding, "I want to go back to work because I love being a trauma surgeon, but I'm also scared that what happened before will happen again," she admitted softly.

"The quarantine or the panic attack?" Melendez asked for confirmation.

"Both," Lim said, "I know the chance of catching a deadly virus like that again is very slim, but another flashback…that's very real. I know I just told the residents how to handle it and we've been learning techniques together to try to stop them, but I still can't help but worry."

"Audrey," Melendez said her name compassionately, "Would it help if I checked up on you throughout the day? Have lunch with you? Call or text you? Let you vent in my office if you need to?"

"Maybe," Lim said, "But people might find out about us…"

"Audrey, it wouldn't be as your boyfriend. It would be as your best friend. I know you would do the same for me even if we weren't dating," said Melendez.

Lim smiled and answered, "It would be nice to know I have someone to talk to, thank you," she said, "Maybe if I start having an issue, you could be my main contact unless you're unavailable because you're in surgery or something? I'll designate someone else if that's the case."

"Deal," said Melendez.

"Also Neil?" Melendez looked at Lim, "I was wondering…if we could go out for dinner tonight and then…I think I'm ready to try…I think I'm ready to try to have sex again."

Melendez was a little surprised by this admission, but he nodded and said, "Well, where were you thinking for dinner? And then we can come back here and try to set the mood and see if you can tonight."

Lim couldn't help but feel a little bit of nervous anticipation. She had longed for the day where she felt remotely comfortable with being vulnerable with Melendez again. She was aching to feel that kind of closeness to him, but she was still terrified how it would go. But she also trusted him to respect her wishes, because this man had been there for her throughout this entire journey. In regards to the dinner question, she answered, "How about burgers from In-n-Out and then we'll try to have sex in this apartment tonight."


	10. Chapter 10

**Final chapter. Hope everyone enjoyed! **

When Melendez and Lim arrived home from In-n-Out, Lim hesitantly placed her bag on the floor as Melendez locked the screen door. Melendez turned around to face her and Lim smiled nervously at him. He slowly walked over to her and laid his hands on her shoulders, "Do you still want to try?" he asked softly, "It's okay if you changed your mind."

Lim took a shaky breath and said, "No, I want to try. But if I can't do it…"

"Audrey, I won't make you do anything you don't want to do. But you have to let me know, okay?" Melendez asked. Lim nodded and Melendez smiled, "Alright. Should we go upstairs?" Lim nodded again and they both went to Melendez's bedroom. When they reached his room, Melendez closed the door and said, "Um, I have some candles to light if you want to try to set the mood?"

"That's fine," Lim answered and Melendez lit a few vanilla-scented candles, Lim's favorite.

Melendez lied down next to Lim on the bed and took her hand, listening to the sound of her breathing. He rolled over onto his side and though he could only see her silhouette, when he moved a little closer to her, he could more clearly see the apprehensive look on her face, "Tell me," he said and stroked her cheek.

"I'm just afraid I'll disappoint you," she admitted.

"Audrey," he interjected, "I promise you won't disappoint me no matter what happens. We'll go as fast or as slow as you want, and if tonight isn't the night, that's okay too," Lim nodded, though Melendez could tell she had some reservations, "May I hold you?"

"Yes," Lim answered and Melendez wrapped his arms around her, stroking her back and shoulders, "This is nice," Lim commented, "I've missed this."

"Me too," Melendez agreed. After a few more moments, Lim started to squirm a little in Melendez's arms, so Melendez unwrapped from her and asked, "Is something wrong?"

Lim sat up and said, "I want you to kiss me."

Melendez nodded and leaned in to kiss her. He could tell Lim was a little nervous and he wasn't quite sure what to do with his hands, so he stopped and asked, "Where should I put my hands?"

"Um, it's fine if you lay them on my hips," she answered, "Just don't move them without telling me first."

"Okay," Melendez responded and they went back to kissing.

Lim ran her hand up and down Melendez's spine, trying to focus on the motion of her hand to keep her senses from becoming overloaded. She attempted to lie down and have Melendez lie on top of her. It was only then when she began to remember everyone hovering over her while she was lying on that gurney in isolation, "Neil?" she began to panic some.

"I'm right here, Audrey," he squeezed her hips, "You're in my bedroom. You're safe," he helped her take a few deep breaths and asked, "What do you need?"

"I think I need to be on top," she answered.

Melendez helped her switch positions and asked, "Better?"

Being on top made Lim feel more in control, so she nodded and answered, "Yes."

They went back to kissing when Melendez asked, "Would it bother you if I ran my fingers along your spine?"

"No, go ahead," Lim consented.

Melendez softly ran his fingers up and down her spine, and Lim shivered above him, "Does that feel okay?"

Lim nodded quickly, "Yes," she confirmed, "I just missed feeling this close to you."

"How about we try this with our tops off?" Melendez hesitantly asked.

Lim nodded in agreement and Melendez allowed her to yank his shirt off, exposing his elk tattoo, "I missed him," Lim ran her finger over it. He went to unbutton her blouse and she could feel her breathing getting faster, and not in a good way, "Neil," she stopped him. He leaned back and looked into her eyes, "I, um, when I was in the hospital, doctors and nurses were always pulling my clothes off quickly to gain access to my chest. I'd rather unbutton my blouse myself."

"Okay," Melendez said and Lim slowly and seductively unbuttoned each button, the both of them getting more excited with each one. She threw her top over towards where Melendez's was and they both gazed into each other's eyes, "Do you feel comfortable enough to keep going?"

Lim nodded, "Yes," she lied down on top of Melendez, inhaling his cologne while he ran his fingers up and down her back, "You can take my bra off if you want."

Melendez unhooked her bra and removed it, gazing at her breasts once it was out of the way, "We really need to decide on a safe word."

"I'm sorry?" asked Lim confusingly.

"A safe word: just in case we really get into it and you do something I don't like or, more importantly, I do something that makes you uncomfortable," explained Melendez.

"Well, what did you have in mind?" questioned Lim.

Melendez's face lit up, "How about Avengers?"

Lim chuckled, "Seriously?"

"What? The first time I ever laid eyes on you, you were wearing an _Avengers _t-shirt," Melendez stroked her cheek.

Lim laughed a little and said, "Okay," she took Melendez's hand and laid it over her breast, "Just go slowly and do one at a time right now. And let me know if you want to change positions or um…tools to stimulate," Melendez squeezed her breast and circled his pointer finger around her nipple, Lim shuttering in anticipation. He switched breasts and Lim let him for a little while longer before she stopped him, "Neil?"

He stopped his motion and asked, "Are you still okay?"

Lim nodded, "I want you to take off my pants, but I just want to lie still for a while."

Melendez helped her remove her pants and underwear and she did the same to him. They lied down next to each other on the bed and Melendez wrapped his arms around her again, "We'll stay this way as long as we need to until you're ready," Lim couldn't help but feel a little emotional. All she had wanted for the past several weeks was to be able to feel again, to be able to love again, but now that she was in the moment, she couldn't help but start to cry a little, "Audrey, what's wrong?" asked Melendez quietly.

She looked up into his eyes and said, "I've just wanted this moment to happen for so long. To be able to have feelings again. To be able to express love towards you again. I mean, I know we've gone on dates and slept in the same bed together, but I've longed to feel this close to you for weeks now. I feel a little overwhelmed."

"Hey, it's okay; I've got you," Melendez rubbed her arm, "Deep breath," he guided her through a few, "Do you want to keep going or is this all too overwhelming?"

Lim longed to have Melendez touch her in that manner again and she was ready to let herself be vulnerable, at least in front of him, "Go ahead. You can touch me…there. Just go slowly."

"Are you sure?" asked Melendez for confirmation.

"Positive," Lim smiled softly. Melendez nodded and slid his hand down to her thigh, stroking it back and forth before beginning to play with her lips. He brushed lightly against her clit and occasionally slid a few fingers in and out of her. Lim let herself get used to the sensations again and boy did it feel wonderful, "I missed this so fucking much," she uttered.

"Good," answered Melendez. He leaned in to kiss her. Lim swiftly grabbed his cock, which elicited a moan of pleasure from him. After a while longer, Melendez asked, "Did you want me to perform…you know…oral?"

"No," Lim shook her head, "Just keep doing what you're doing," Melendez continued to do so and Lim reveled in the sensation before she finally said, "Neil, I'm ready," Melendez was ready as well—all he really had to was think about Lim naked to be ready—so he rolled over onto his back and Lim crawled on top of him. Lim gazed at his tattoo and ran her fingers over it, "Neil, can I use it as a focal point to keep me grounded?" asked Lim quietly.

"Whatever you need," Melendez laid his hands on her hips to keep her steady. Lim took a deep breath and slowly slid herself onto him. It felt a little awkward yet at the same time, it fit like a glove. She didn't go very fast at first, instead choosing to focus on the elk and replay the night she had first slept with Melendez in her head. Soon, she increased the pace of her hips as Melendez's cries of pleasure increased. She shifted a little so her clit brushed up against him as she felt him release inside of her. It took a while longer before she finally came and it wasn't as strong or long as it normally was, but it was still something. She slowly rolled over to her side of the bed and smiled softly at Melendez. He propped himself up onto his elbow and stroked her cheek, "So how are you feeling?"

"Can I be honest?" asked Lim hesitantly.

"Of course," Melendez answered.

"It was nice to be that close to you again and I really missed you, but it also felt a little awkward for me," she admitted.

"It might take some getting used to again. But you're getting better every day, so I'm confident you'll feel more comfortable soon," Melendez said. Lim snuggled against his chest and he kissed the top of her head, "But we'll get through it together. Just like always," they stayed silent for a little while longer when Melendez said, "And I'm so proud of how far you've come. You're a warrior, Audrey Lim, and I'm glad you're mine."

Lim smiled to herself as she listened to Melendez's steady heartbeat. If it was one person with whom she had felt most comfortable throughout her recovery, it was Neil. He was always available to listen and had been very patient with her the entire time (and still was). She knew she wasn't 100% yet—she might never be and she knew she would probably struggle with PTSD for the rest of her life—but with Neil Melendez by her side, she knew she could handle anything that life threw her way. There was one thing, however, that she wasn't quite comfortable saying out loud just yet, but as she fell into a restful slumber, she thought to herself,_ "I love you, Neil Melendez." _


End file.
